In the first part of this article, “Marriage, what it entails (Part 1), I stated that marriage can be a wonderful life-long experience if one knows what it truly entails to get married. Most people go into marriages little prepared, and with the wrong notion that they actually know all it takes to have a happy marriage. If they knew what they were getting into, most marriages wouldn’t be rickety, neither would they have ended in dissolution. If you haven’t read the first part of this article, I recommend you do so.
Happy couples are not overly concerned about what other people will say about them. The man is not ashamed of the woman, and the woman is not ashamed of the man. Even in hardships and difficulties, they support one another and do everything in their power to collectively rise above the water. They encourage one another, regardless of the problems they may be facing, and they don’t tear one another apart. They have learnt to endure one another’s misdemeneurs and be purpose-driven.
The wife does not expect her husband to lavish his money on her so that everybody will know that she is married to a rich man. She is healthier than that as she focuses on her work and her family. A good wife does not gossip about other people, and a good husband does not flirt with other women. Also, a good wife may notice some failings in her husband’s behavior, but she doesn’t nag him about it. They may discuss the failings amicably, but if she discovers that they are difficult habits to break, she comes to endure them and focus effectively on the collective growth of her family.
Truly compatible couples are predictable to one another. They know each other so much. A wife can tell what her husband thinks about a subject. A husband may know what could excite his wife, as well as what could disappoint her. It is as though both of them are sharing the same brain. They are also sensitive to each other’s feelings, and apologize when they wrong each other. Couples should find opportunities to go out and spend some time together; any free time they can get.
Spouses should orientate themselves by understanding that their partners will always have some failings and will exhibit some forms of selfishness. Expecting your partner to be perfect can have adverse effect on your relationship. Your spouse will behave selfishly sometimes, but as long as you have chosen to be united, you will have to be patient. You may have to discuss with them in a very amicable and respectful manner. But if your partner is overly selfish and abusive, and is not ready to listen to what you have to say, then your marriage has ceased to be healthy.
Understanding is paramount in relationship. Your spouse needs to understand you and you need to understand your spouse. They need to know what gets you angry, jealous, happy, depressed, excited, irritated, etc., as you need to know what triggers these emotions in them too. They should also think that they can be honest about their woes and their flaws with you, without being rejected or considered lower than your expectation. In other words, they should be able to accept you completely.
You need to understand your spouse’s dislikes too. Your spouse may not like being called while at work, or may not like to go to certain places. Do not force them to do what they don’t like. I bet you wouldn’t want them to force you to do what you don’t like. So you’ve got to understand them. If they need some time, give it to them. It’s a plus if you learn to study your spouse’s behaviour. Try to know what disturbs/upsets/irritates them, and what they do when they are not happy. They definitely need you when they are down.
In a sound relationship, there is usually consideration conflict among the spouses. This goes to show that there exists true love and respect between both spouses. Each spouse is considerate concerning how they spend for the sake of one another. He says, “I want to take you out to dinner at that fancy restaurant around the corner.” And then she says, “No, let me take you out to dinner, it’s all on me”. They argue and argue, and no one seems to concede for a good while.
Spouses should also be willing to accept blame for the misbehavior of the other person. For example, if the man does not appear at the right time for an arrangement, the woman may show that she’s upset, but in a meek and mild way, and then she may add that it’s because she didn’t do something right. The man is supposed to counter and apologize, saying that it’s entirely his fault. He should be remorseful. If he is not remorseful, he is not the right one for her.
It’s better to live alone, outside marriage, than to live with an abusive spouse. A spouse that is not remorseful, that emotionally abuses you one too many times, that beats you, or that spends little or no time with you is not the right spouse for you. Some people are clever enough to make out that a particular person will be abusive, by merely observing their behavior. A healthy person does not treat other people with dishonor, but instead is focused on building his or her family.
It is necessary to support your spouse and encourage them to develop themselves. But trying to change your spouse into fitting your mold of the ideal spouse is a subtle way of saying that they are not good enough for you and you do not accept them. It is a way of saying that they are inadequate for you, and are not perfect for you. The purpose of marriage shouldn’t be to make your spouse achieve your own dreams, but rather, to make your spouse achieve their own dreams. They may not be perfect, that’s why you are there to support them.